


Slowly, Eventually

by mm_nani



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Small Town, Carraville are the local trendy gays, M/M, Slow Burn, adam has a bit of moral ambiguity to work through, and Jordan owns a pub, but he's a hot doctor, everyone meddles, i tried to work in humor, jamie is a housewife, mentions of infedility, the ghost of Steven Gerrard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-03 19:17:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12754512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mm_nani/pseuds/mm_nani
Summary: Recently divorced Adam Lallana responds to a roommate advertisement in the newspaper even though no one does that anymore and finds himself sharing a house with the old fashioned barkeep, Jordan Henderson.





	1. our beautiful times together

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lesbleusthroughandthrough](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbleusthroughandthrough/gifts).



> Title as close a translation of the title of the Hindi song ['Zara Zara'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkxnzR9xAKM) as I could manage as are the chapter titles of different parts of the lyrics and I've really fucked it up. It's really hard to capture those feelings in English. It's a song about slowly falling in love and I recommend it! It's very pretty.
> 
> Beta'd by my spouse and holiday housewife, Alex.
> 
> EDIT: Also beta'd by [calypsus](http://calypsus.tumblr.com/) who's cheerleading has seen this story through to where it is.
> 
> I'm really excited to release this fic because it's the first time I've written something out of popular demand (essentially more than three people showed interest in it) even though I've never written Liv before and none of those people have ever read my writing before so thanks for your encouragement! I feel your desperation for new content for a pairing to a point of encouraging an absolute stranger to write fic.
> 
> Hope I haven't bungled it!

‘Hello, my name is Adam and I’m calling in regards to your newspaper ad about a roommate.’

 

Jordan gestures for a minute from the customer waiting to be rung up and turns around to take the call, ‘Yeah?’

 

‘You still looking for a roommate?’ Adam says trailing off.

 

‘Yeah,’ Jordan says, relieved, he was starting to lose hope, ‘yeah I am.’

 

‘Well, I am a male between the ages of 20 and 45 and I don’t smoke and I am quiet and tidy.’

 

‘What?’

 

‘Your ad...your roommate ad had those specifics?’

 

‘That’s right.’ Jordan says remembering. The customer clears her throat and Jordan has to rush, ‘right mate, look I’m in the middle of work but we’ll arrange for you to look at the place soon okay?’

 

‘Okay, you can reach me at this number.’ Jordan hangs up before the guy can finish his ‘bye’ and feels slightly bad for it.

 

‘Sorry for the holdup Mrs. Jones, your total is seven quid.’ He smiles widely, hoping it will smooth out her prickly mood.

 

‘Just add it to my tab, dear.’ She says before walking out.

 

‘Sure thing!’ He say, waits for the little bell on the front door to ring, ‘ _coulda just led with that_.’ he mutters under his breathe.

 

*

 

‘Is he fit?’

 

Jordan raises his eyebrows, ‘I don’t know Jamie, I didn’t ask for a picture.’

 

 _‘_ But he _sounds_ fit?’ Jamie leans in from where he’s perched on the barstool at the kitchen counter.

 

‘How does one _sound_ fit?’

 

‘You said he has a deep voice.’

 

‘Yeah...so?’

 

‘So you you think he’s fit.’ Jamie counters like he’s proved a point.

 

‘That’s not wha- what are you two even doing here?’ Jordan asks his two guests, he gives up on arguing because he knows he won’t win.

 

His neighbors, Jamie and Gary are sitting next to each other at the kitchen counter, shoulders brushing while Jamie is spooning cereal into his mouth and Gary is typing into his iPad.

 

‘I’m the landlord, aren’t I?’ Gary responds without even looking up from his iPad.

 

‘And a pain in the butt.’ Jordan mutters.

 

‘A what?’ Gary responds, finally looking up from his iPad, like he’s testing Jordan.

 

‘He said you’re a pain in the butt, Gary.’ Jamie responds winking at Jordan and turns to Gary with a cheeky smile, ‘and I agree with him.’

 

‘Yeah? Gary asks and Jamie nods while they gravitate towards each other, ‘well you like it.’

 

‘Can’t argue with that.’ Jamie answers under his breath as they start making out.

 

‘Gross.’ Jordan exclaims but his neighbors don’t notice or break apart until the bell rings. Jordan is infinitely grateful that he doesn’t have to deal with nudity or biohazardous materials on a Saturday morning.

 

He swings open the front door to reveal a guy with artfully brushed bed hair, ripped jeans, a red sweater and a blue scarf loosely tied around his neck.

 

‘Shit, he _is_ fit.’ Jamie whispers behind him.

 

Jordan doesn’t know when Jamie sneaked in but Jordan is glad that he isn’t the one to have blurted out something stupid.

 

*

 

‘This here will be your bedroom.’ Jordan says gesturing towards Stevie’s quite frankly unimpressive bedroom, ‘It’s still-uh-furnished. My last housemate kind of just left without much notice or preparation.’ Adam is standing with his hands inside his pockets, it’s difficult to read from his face if he likes the room. Jordan doesn’t quite blame him, there’s not much to comment on.

 

‘And broke poor Jordan’s heart.’ Comes Jamie’s voice from the background and Jordan regrets not kicking them out before Adam came.

 

‘Sorry mate, I can’t do anything about the neighbours.’ Jordan apologizes but Adam shakes his head, it makes his hair bounce and Jordan is a little mesmerized by it. His own is cropped close to his head but Gary and Jamie had talked him into getting his sides buzzed. Adam also has an undercut, which makes his hair fall on top of his head in an adorable mop.

 

‘I like them, they’re funny.’ Adam reassures.

 

‘Well that’s good because it’s hard to get rid of them.’

 

‘Oi I heard that.’ Comes Gary’s voice.

 

‘Also Gary is our landlord.’ Jordan says and leans towards Adam with a conspiratorial whisper, ‘so we kind of can’t get rid of them.’ Adam laughs, a low chuckle, and pats Jordan’s shoulder.

 

‘What do we do with the furniture?’ Adam asks.

 

Jordan isn’t really sure, ‘you can have them?’ He pauses trying to gauge if Adam is pleased with that idea, ‘I’m sure Stevie’s got his own set in Spain.’

 

‘Cool. When can I move in?’ Adam asks and Jordan doesn’t know why he feels the sudden urge to fist bump in the air.

 

He holds himself back.

 

‘Well, the room’s paid for till the end of the week but I don’t think Stevie’s coming back so whenever, really.’

 

‘Awesome.’

 

*

 

‘Are you from around here?’ Adam asks even though he can probably tell from Jordan’s accent that he isn’t. They’re lounging on the couch watching television. Adam brought a bottle of champagne to celebrate his move-in.

 

‘Nah, I was born in Sunderland, came over for uni in Liverpool and kind of just hung around.’ Jordan says with a shrug. People criticize him for his lack of ambition, but he’s fond of his quiet life here.

 

Adam nods, ‘I’m from down south in Bournemouth, I came here chasing a job,’ Adam pauses and then continues with a self derisive chuckle, ‘...and a girl.’ He gets up to grab some beer from the fridge, he finished the whole champagne bottle himself. Jordan was trying to find a way to tell Adam that he doesn’t drink but after Adam’s first two glasses, he stopped noticing or inquiring about it. In Adam’s defense, Jordan’s apple juice was the same color.

 

‘You said you work in a hospital in Liverpool? So, you’re going to commute, then?’

 

‘Until I can find a posting nearer to this place, yeah. It’s less than an hour though, not too bad.’

 

‘You don’t have a lot of stuff.’ Jordan comments. He had thought the move would take at least the entire day but Adam had arrived in his car with two suitcases and Jordan, feeling useless, offered to help him change the bed sheet that Stevie had just left in the bed he’d abandoned. Between the both of them Adam was unpacked and settled in, in under two hours and then Adam had driven out to grab them both celebratory drinks. They decide to stay in because Jordan manages the local pub and it’s his day off, it would be pointless to just go back there.

 

Adam nods and Jordan can see that his eyes are a little unfocused, the gaze still feels intense, directed right at Jordan’s face like Adam has decided to study him instead of giving a response.

 

‘Well, my wife took everything in the divorce,’ Adam finally responds.

 

‘Shit, that’s harsh.’ Jordan tries to sound sympathetic as best as he can manage. He does genuinely feel bad but has no way of relating to the situation.

 

‘Not really.’ Adam says and shrugs but he looks tired when he says it, ‘I cheated on her.’

 

*

 

Jamie comes next day with a giant dish full of...something.

 

‘What is this?’ Jordan asks, face scrunched in confusion while he stares down into the dish in Jamie’s hand. He isn’t sure that he’s ever seen Jamie cook, it’s usually Jordan cooking when they hang out.

 

But clearly, Jamie must cook, or something like it.

 

‘This is a casserole! A welcome present!’ Jamie responds like Jordan is a particularly slow child.

 

‘Thanks but I’ve lived here for 6 years.’ Jordan pretends to shut the door on him and Jamie sticks his foot in.

 

‘Yer a real laff, you are lad.’ Jamie answers with mock laughter, ‘It’s for Adam.’

 

On cue, Adam walks out of his room in his pajamas and a tank, real bed hair this time, ‘Good morning lads,’ he says with a smile that crinkles his entire face into lines, Jamie perks up, straightening his posture.

 

‘Casserole?’ Jamie says, holding out the dish.

 

‘I usually eat some toast for breakfast, but I could go for some casserole.’ Adam responds with another sleepy smile and Jamie pushes the dish into Jordan’s hand before sauntering in and ushering Adam into the living room.

 

Jordan heads to the kitchen to heat up the casserole and catches Jamie’s pathetic attempts at flirting.

 

‘You’re sleeping in today?’ Jordan hears Jamie ask and he _sounds_ like he’s batting his eyelashes.

 

‘Yeah,’ comes Adam’s response, ‘I’m working the ER tonight so I need to sleep during the day.’

 

‘The ER? That sounds dangerous!’

 

Jordan wants to gag at how stupid Jamie sounds. He’s usually not a fan of Jamie and Gary’s unnecessarily explicit sexcapade stories but he wishes that Jamie would just ask Adam to the threesome they’re obviously planning instead of this embarrassing flirting.

 

He walks out with some plates heaped with casserole to see Jamie squeezing Adam’s bicep and Jordan doesn’t want to know how he even managed to get to this position.

‘Isn’t it amazing how Adam finds time to work out despite his busy doctor’s schedule?’ Jamie turns to ask him.

‘What are you on about? Gary has like seven business ventures and is hella fit.’ Jordan responds and for a split second Jamie’s face falls like he’s terribly disappointed in Jordan. Jordan doesn’t know what he suddenly did wrong but before he can give into the urge to apologize Jamie has schooled his face into a bright smile and relieves him of the plates.

‘If you need anything Adam,’ Jamie says, voice sugar sweet, ‘to help transition into the area. I’m sure Jordan can help you.’

When Jamie leaves, he kisses his hand and taps Jordan’s cheek with a wink, ‘you’re welcome.’

 

*

 

Adam turns out to be horribly indecisive which is a pleasant contrast to the cool, unperturbed aura he usually portrayed.

 

Currently, he has his eyebrows scrunched at three different desks - the only three- in the furniture store. Jordan is just looking at Adam now, decisively not finding it adorable. He’s wearing a loose sweater top thrown over some ripped jeans and his hair is impeccably styled in a graceful sweep.

 

Adam looks at him, ‘This one’s got the widest top but the color is off with the rest of your exes stuff,’ he finally comments.

 

‘Ex- _roommate_.’

 

‘Oh-I’m sorry I thought that it was code for-

 

‘It’s not code.’ Jordan snaps.

 

‘So?’ Adam says, ‘maybe I can get a standing shelf to fit my books on the other one?’

 

‘Why do you even have books? Isn’t everything online?’

 

Adam laughs with a gentle tap against Jordan’s chest, ‘mostly for the aesthetic.’

 

‘Well then, you need to have the desk outside so that everyone can see how many books you have.’

 

‘Everyone who? Throwing a dinner party to show off your really smart roommate?’ Adam waggles his eyebrows and Jordan allows himself to mess up that perfect sweep on Adam’s head. Adam moves away horrified, patting his head to fix the damage.

 

‘Alright Dr. Lallana, let’s get you, your giant desk.’

 

*

Adam is a young, hot doctor so becoming a local favorite was an inevitability. The first time he’d walked into the pub, at least three different old ladies wanted to set him up with their daughter. Jordan has to save him from the occasional lascivious lady but more often, Jamie.

 

But it doesn’t matter how many times Jordan warns Adam about Jamie’s less than innocent intentions because Adam is a naive fool who voluntarily and repeatedly subjects himself to Gary and Jamie’s company. Jamie is pulling on locks of Adam’s hair and Jordan has to applaud the constant stream of excuses Jamie comes up with to touch Adam. Gary comes up to the bar to get their pints.

 

‘Control your husband.’ Jordan doesn’t bother keeping his voice down and Jamie flips him the bird, not even looking away from Adam as he does so.

 

‘He’s not my husband.’ Jamie says and Adam scrunches up his face in adorable confusion.

 

‘Yeah,’ Gary plays along, ‘we’re just roommates.’

 

‘You’re really close for roommates.’ Adam comments with a straight face and Jordan looks at him a long while trying to figure out if he’s joking or not. But then Jamie slaps Gary’s ass as he reaches their table with the beers and well, no one can mistake that for friendship.

 

It’s obvious that Adam enjoys being in the pub, he enjoys the attention and some would say he even enjoys Gary and Jamie’s foolishness but it distracts Jordan. Jordan isn’t distracted because he’s creepily staring at Adam like Studge does, peeking out from the kitchen occasionally.

 

Adam distracts him cause he’s a distracting person. Because everyone else’s attention isn’t enough, Adam also needs his attention quite a bit.

 

‘C’mon mate! You seriously can’t take 10 minutes to play darts with us?’ Adam wheedles.

 

‘Jordan takes his job very seriously.’ Jamie says and Jordan looks at him, challenging him to mock him for it.

 

‘That’s right, my boy! Ain’t paying you to run around playing darts!’ Gary says.

 

‘You don’t pay me anything, Gary. Land’s yours. Pub’s mine.’ Jordan responds like clockwork. With a little alcohol in his system, Gary usually forgets which businesses he owns. Sometimes, Jordan thinks, if Jamie wasn’t around Gary would be bet out or robbed of his ventures with a pint and some sort of dumb challenge.

 

Gary scrunches his face for a second before he nods, ‘that’s right, isn’t it?’ disappointedly and Jamie pats him on the cheek consolingly, ‘there, there sweetheart, you’re still in charge in my heart.’

 

In a completely unnecessary show of ownership since no one else is really vying for Jordan’s attention, Adam says, ‘alright, mate. But I have you to myself when you get home.’ He sways a little as he says it and Jordan is a little terrified when Adam points the sharp end of the dart he’s holding right at Jordan, ‘and we’re going to watch so much Downton Abbey together!’

 

*

 

As a sharp contrast to all of his friends, Adam makes Jordan breakfast. The first time he had offered Jordan some pancakes, offhandedly commenting on how he’d made too much.

 

But now it’s become a sort of ritual; on the days that Adam doesn’t sleep in from midnight ER shifts the day before, Adam is up at seven, filling the house with gentle humming and the smell of freshly cooked eggs.

 

Jordan looks at Adam leaning against the counter, looking at him expectantly. He got up even earlier today to make gravy to eat with the eggs and it’s apparent that Jordan liking it is somehow important.

 

Jordan takes a bite and there’s bits of sausages in the gravy, adding a salty, sweet taste to the fluffy eggs, ‘Adam this is incredible.’ He says, more genuinely than he’d thought he’d be.

 

‘Yeah?’ Adam says.

 

‘Didn’t know you could cook.’

 

‘Hey! I’ve cooked breakfast for you almost everyday!’ Adam exclaims and something soft settles in Jordan’s stomach at the familiarity of it all. He thought he was happy when Stevie had left, finally rid of the idiosyncrasies of having to live with another person. But Adam reminded him how much he’d missed that, not being alone.

 

‘Everyone can cook breakfast, Ads.’

 

‘My bad for thinking you’d like to be served for once after working at the pub all day.’

 

‘Hey, hey.’ Jordan soothes, ‘it’s really good. Thanks.’

 

Adam looks pleased as he settles into his own breakfast scooping some eggs onto a piece of toast.

 

*

 

Jordan stops in the back of the hospital in the employee parking and texts Adam letting him know that he’s waiting. Jordan came to Liverpool to pick up some supplies for the pub and he’d thought he’d save Adam a train ride.

 

 _‘out in a minute!’_ Adam texts back.

 

Just as he’d promised Adam walks out of the back entrance in his scrubs, he’s talking to another guy in scrubs with curly hair and almond colored skin. Adam laughs at what the guy says and hits him lightly on the chest and Jordan can’t help but wonder how long they’ve been friends.

 

‘Probably longer than us.’ he thinks unbidden and then feels foolish for it. They’re not friends, they’re roommates.

 

The guy ruffles Adam’s hair, leaving it even more askew than it was a minute ago and JOrdan notices how Adam doesn’t seem disgruntled, doesn’t even try to fix it as they say their goodbyes with a hug.

 

Adam waves at Jordan as he reaches the car, ‘can I have some of that?’ he says gesturing towards the back stocked up with kegs of alcohol.

 

‘I’m not going to open an entire keg for you but I’m sure Studge won’t miss if you dig into the wine box.’ Jordan responds and Adam chuckles, rubs Jordan’s shoulder gently as he revels in the joke and Jordan pulls out of the driveway.

 

Adam doesn’t pull his hand away for a bit, it finally slides away when Adam rests against the passenger window, settling in for a nap.

 

Jordan feels choked up, ‘that your friend?’ he says and wishes he’d kept up the awkward silence instead. If Adam had thought the question strange he doesn’t make any indication.

 

‘Just my colleague, Mo.’ He responds like Jordan hadn’t just asked something strangely probing.

 

‘Colleague?’

 

‘Yeah? You noticed his scrubs, right?’

 

‘What department is he in?’ Jordan asks, he’s not really interested in the colleague but can’t dig himself out of this conversation.

 

Adam finally squeezes an eye open to look at him suspiciously, ‘you into him?’

 

‘Just interested in your lif- work, you’ve met all my coworkers, you come to my workplace all the time.’

 

Adam laughs, ‘I’d be concerned if you came to my work all the time.’

 

‘You never know, I could do those charity clown things.’

 

‘Rednoses? You gotta be funny for that mate.’

 

‘Ha. Ha. Ha.’ Jordan says but doesn’t have the heart to continue with a more cutting comeback when Adam yawns.

 

‘You should sleep.’ Jordan says and the tenderness in his voice alarms him for a moment. Adam only yawns again and nestles his head against the cold window, muttering something under his breathe. Jordan pretends that he doesn’t hear ‘Downton Abbey’ amongst the mumblings and turns to the classical music station.

 

When he stops at the bar to drop the supplies off, Jordan is glad that Adam doesn’t wake up amidst the noise he and Studge make as they unload the boxes. He feels oddly nervous about waking Adam up as they near their own house, Jordan has been turning to glance at him every time now and then when they stop at a light.

 

‘ _To make sure he’s still sleeping_ ,’ he tries to convince himself. But his worry was for naught as Adam wakes up by himself, eyes a little red as he tries to rub the sleep out of them.

 

‘Sorry I fell asleep.’ He mumbles sleepily and something warm settles across Jordan’s chest at Adam’s dazed gaze. When Jordan realizes that Adam is too confused to make it back to the house by himself, he walks over to the passenger side and holds open the door for him.

 

‘I’m really tired.’ Adam says in lieu of an apology as Jordan swings an arm around his waist to help him keep upright.

 

‘It’s okay, Ads. You’ve been working really hard.’ The desk as it turns out was not just for aesthetics and Jordan had to often close the many books that Adam left lying around open.

 

‘I do work really hard.’ Adam mutters as he snuggles closer into Jordan and Jordan has to suppress the urge to tease Adam for his waning modesty.

 

‘Alright, lad. Do you think you can manage dinner or do you want to go straight to bed?’

 

‘Straight to _Stevie’s_ bed.’ Adam says, his words are slurring a little like he’s drunk.

 

‘Pretty sure that’s your bed now mate.’

 

‘That’s right, that’s my bed. And _I’m_ your roommate.’ Jordan double takes at how possessive Adam sounds. But Adam is swaying a little as Jordan props him against the wall to take off his shoes. Adam looks down at him with glazed eyes, a slight pout playing on his lips.

 

‘That’s right, _you’re_ my roommate’ Jordan responds, decides to play along by stressing the ‘you’ just as Adam had, ‘and _you_ need to ease up on the 36 hour shifts.’

 

‘-plenty of coffee.’ Adam mutters as he holds his foot up like a princess as Jordan pulls his shoes off.  Adam is already stumbling towards his room before Jordan can decide whether or not he needs to help Adam undress. He plops onto his bed, fully dressed, with a dull thud.

 

Jordan helps him put his feet up all the way and leans over him to get the messenger bag off him before Adam can strangle himself with the strap. Adam’s eyes flutter open with what seems like a lot of effort, ‘you ever sleep in Stevie’s bed, Jord?’

 

Adam starts snoring before Jordan can react.

 

*

 

‘Please repeat to me, very slowly so I understand, why I need to cover half your afternoon shift.’ Emre asks nonplussed as he helps himself to a pint behind the bar. Jordan doesn’t know why he’s complaining as Emre spends most of his free time at the pub anyway.

 

Jordan sighs and gives in, ready to do anything to appease Emre so he doesn’t change his mind suddenly, ‘because Ads and I are going sweater shopping for Gary and Jamie’s party.’

 

‘The party to which you’ve worn the same sweater for the last four years?’ Emre asks, voice flat, clearly trying to embarrass him. It works because Jordan feels defensive, ‘there’s a hole in the old sweater!’

 

Studge and Emre look at each other.

 

‘Alright, mate. Your heart.’ Studge says.

 

‘What does my heart have to do with it?’ Jordan asks offended and he can tell that Studge is trying not to look at Emre again, ‘we’re roommates, it’s normal to spend time together.’ Jordan hardly gets agitated but these two had read too far into his relationship with Stevie and now they’re doing it again. Jordan doesn’t go around falling in love with his roommates.

 

‘You’re right.’ Studge appeases, ‘Adam isn’t gay, mate. I’m sure you know that better than I do. You live with him.’

 

Jordan feels an instant need to refute that. In the last couple of months he has felt that Adam could be bisexual, but just very private about it. Jordan wants to tell Studge that as the roommate, he disagrees and has the better sense of who Adam could be interested in. But it’s tough to argue that your roommate might be gay when you’re also trying to prove that you’re not harboring a big gay crush for him.

 

‘I haven’t even thought about his sexuality.’ Jordan responds with a huff and Emre, with less tact than Studge, rolls his eyes. Jordan is saved from defending his embarrassing lie any further by the honk from his pickup from outside.

 

‘That’s Ads.’ He says and looks at Emre, confirming that he’s okay picking up the rest of Jordan’s shift. Emre relents, gesturing towards the door and giving him the okay to leave, ‘thanks, mate. I owe you one!’ He says before running off.

 

Ads is leaning against the hood of the car, legs crossed and face upturned towards the sun. He’s impeccably dressed as always, hair billowing in the wind, hands cupped into the pockets of his brown leather jacket in casual nonchalance. Jordan has to wonder if looking like he just stepped off the set of a photoshoot comes naturally to Adam or if it’s carefully doctored dramatic flair.

 

Adam turns his head slowly to look at Jordan, a smile spreading across his face slowly as the sun forms a halo around his head. Jordan thinks for a second that maybe he should be getting on his knees but then Adam throws the car keys at him which he scrambles to catch.

 

‘Where we headed?’ Jordan asks once he’s picked the keys up from the floor and settled into the driver’s seat.

 

‘Don’t know mate, you’re the local.’

 

‘Well you want a sweater for the party so there’s a nice knitting store that’s go-’

 

‘Wanna go to the Christmas market?’ Adam cuts him off.

 

‘What, all the way out in Liverpool?’

 

‘It’s not that far.’ Adam says rolling his eyes, ‘but-but I was thinking Manchester.’

 

*

 

Gary looks at them with a smug smile as they stand in line for their mulled wine, ‘so couldn’t help but come to the best christmas market in all of Britain?’

 

‘That’s just not true, is it?’

 

‘Well you chose to come here.’

 

‘Maybe we can still make it to London, what do you say Ads?’

 

Adam nods for a second before he breaks, ‘oh gosh Gary. This market is amazing. I feel so pumped for Christmas.’

 

Jordan looks at Adam betrayed, ‘I thought we were friends.’

 

‘Oh come off it,’ Adam says with a friendly punch to Jordan’s shoulder, he looks around with so much unbridled joy, ‘It’s just. Isn’t it amazing, though? Look at all the happy kids.’

 

Gary preens at all the praise for Manchester as he grabs their wine and Jordan’s cider.

 

‘Don’t forget to try the grilled cheese before you go lads.’ Gary says as he heads out, ‘Gotta go back to work!’

 

Adam widens his eyes at Jordan excitedly and Jordan doesn’t have the heart to point out that they’re here for a very specific goal of buying christmas themed sweaters.

 

After stuffing themselves with bread, melted cheese and bratwurst, Adam is only full of energy while Jordan is ready to settle in for an afternoon nap.

 

‘Jord, Jord!’ Adam squeals trying to stop Jordan from napping on one of the pedestrian benches, ‘let’s skate.’

 

‘What?’

 

‘Let’s go ice skating, you know to burn all of the food off!’ Jordan thinks he’s forgotten what christmas sweaters are supposed to look like at this point.

 

For how excited Adam had been about ice skating, he’s really not that great of a skater. The exact definition of ‘not great’ being, having a deathly grip on Jordan with one hand and the rink rail with the other.

 

‘Well,’ Jordan comments, ‘at least you’re justifying being charged the kiddie price.’

 

‘Shaving this morning was worth it,’ Adam says trying to sound as casual as he could manage while being terribly scared of sliding to his death. At one point Jordan just lets him fall to his butt so that he could skate at a speed that is more than one meter an hour. He circles around the rink while Adam pulls himself up.

 

Adam looks pissed but it awakens some competitive spirit in him that he actually starts skating, this time with only very minimal grabbing onto Jordan. When Adam falls a second time, Jordan helps him.

 

‘I don’t need you, mate.’ Adam bites out and Jordan gets a grip around his waist.

 

‘Oh come off it, look at all the happy kids.’ Jordan says as he pulls Adam upright despite the slight resistance. Adam looks around while Jordan holds him and up close he can see all the creases on Adam’s face relax as he lets himself enjoy the festive, domestic scene around them. It’s cold and Jordan can see the fog from Adam’s breath when he speaks, Adam’s eyes sparkling in the last rays of the evening sun.

 

‘I’m one of them, remember.’ Adam whispers and Jordan suddenly realizes what this must look like: him clearly not sixteen with his rugged beard, holding someone close to him, who apparently looks younger than sixteen. Jordan lets him go hastily and Adam almost falls again but he’s become a little better in the last hour and balances himself in time.

 

‘Where are you going daddy?!’ Adam screeches and Jordan only skates faster. He’s gotten very good at escaping from his friends causing an embarrassing scene.

 

‘He’s older than me.’ Jordan tells the usher at the rink entrance for good measure before hopping out of the ice.

 

*

 

Jordan looks at the bag with the two sweaters they finally managed to buy after Adam was done stopping at every stall and trying every free sample and flirting with anyone who looked under fifty years old.

 

It was night already but at least Adam had offered to drive the pickup on the way back so Jordan can doze if he pleases. For now he enjoys not having to pay attention to anything, just look at the trees go by.

 

‘Those sweaters are going to be epic, mate.’ Adam comments, ‘we’re going to rock this party.’

 

‘They are cute.’ Jordan agrees as he catches a glimpse of the red of Adam’s sweater. It’s meant to be an ugly sweater but Adam had looked so good in it.

 

‘You looked absolutely baller in yours, mate. I’m so excited.’ Adam says rocking in his seat a little.

 

Jordan fills up with a kind of hope he can’t exactly place. The darkened streets glisten and holds a kind of beauty that he knows he’s glossed over a million times before and is only just noticing.

 

‘Yeah, me too.’

 

*

 

In all honesty, Jordan should have seen it coming.

 

Adam doesn’t come home the weekend of Gary and Jamie’s party and he only gets a text saying he should go ahead when Jordan asks where Adam is.

 

When Jamie opens the door, he’s missing his usual flamboyance. It gives Jordan deja vu to the week before Stevie had left. Jamie does hug him and hands him the eggnog he had been drinking.

 

‘You’ll want it.’ Jamie says ominously before leading him in. Adam is there, cheeks flushed from the heat of the alcohol and he rushes to Jordan when he steps in.

 

‘Dude! What took you so long!’ He says and Jordan wants to mention how he had been waiting for him but then he notices what Adam is wearing. It’s a loose midnight blue sweater, elegant over a pair of ripped jeans with a tiny mistletoe embroidered over the left breast.

 

Jordan understands even before Adam ushers forth a lovely blonde dressed in a petite red dress with a midnight blue shawl matching Adam’s thrown over her shoulder.

 

‘This is Lindsey,’ Adam introduces and Lindsey holds out long, elegant fingers for Jordan to shake. Jordan towers over them both, feeling out of place in his black jumper with rudolph and his giant sticky outie red nose.

 

‘Jordan.’ Jordan responds. He’s holding in an urge to make a scene, confused if he’s overreacting or if he deserves this. Maybe, this is common for platonic male friends, abandon all plans together as soon as women enter the picture. He wants to grab Studge and the plate of deviled eggs and go into a spare bedroom and complain but he doesn’t want Studge reminding him how he and everyone else had warned him to be careful.

 

Jordan excuses himself, having missed almost all of Lindsey’s chatter and isn’t interested in incriminating himself in his lack of attention. He doesn’t want to fake delight or interest at meeting Lindsey, he doesn’t want to show that he’s upset. He just wishes he was a vast pool of emotionless goo, sliding in and out, molding himself perfectly into social situations that required him to act a certain way and not having any personal stakes in it.

 

Jamie finds him eventually and this time he’s got a fresh glass of eggnog and a small plate with some hors d'oeuvres on it. They turn towards loud cheering and whooping from the party to find Adam with a hand curled low around Lindsey’s back and their mouths sealed together under the mistletoe.

 

Unbidden comes the image of Adam from the very first day, tired but unrepentant, telling him how he had cheated on his wife.

 

Jordan gulps down the eggnog.


	2. don't look away from me

Jordan wakes up with his head spinning and the vague understanding that he can’t quite control all his faculties just yet.

 

‘Hey, mate.’ Adam says from above him, ‘didn’t mean to wake you.’ Adam’s hand feels cool against his cheek, he holds it and doesn’t really care about what it means and how Adam will interpret it. Jordan isn’t sure that Adam is real.

 

Jordan becomes aware of the cool pack on his forehead and croaks, ‘what happened?’

 

‘You had too much to drink at the party, mate.’ Adam laughs a little, ‘you’re a weird one, you barely drink and then get drunk by yourself at a party and pass out.’

 

‘Barely?’ Jordan says and he’s glad that he feels too tired to feel disappointed, ‘I don’t drink,  _ mate _ .’

 

Adam looks startled, ‘Bu-I thou-you run a pub.’

 

‘Gotta earn a living, right?’

 

Adam untangles their hand and rakes his fingers through Jordan’s hair, ‘then why’d you do it? Why’d you drink tonight?’

 

He looks concerned, like he cares, like he’ll listen to what Jordan will say next.

 

Jordan wants to tell him but he doesn’t know what he wants to say, can't figure out what he needs to say, ‘I thought I was missing out.’ Jordan ends up answering, earning a chuckle from Adam, his thumb gentle against Jordan’s cheek. Jordan wants to hold his hand again, he can’t really feel it properly on his face.

 

‘What’d you think?’

 

‘I’m better off the way I was.’ 

 

‘I agree,’ Adam says, smoothening out the cool pack on Jordan’s forehead.

 

‘Where’s Lindsey?’

 

‘Gary drove her home.’

 

‘You shouldn’t have left her.’

 

‘She’s fine. I’m on doctor duty.’ And as though to prove a point Adam helps Jordan sit up and gives him an aspirin, and looks at him sternly until he finishes the whole glass of water.

 

‘Get some rest. Doctor’s orders.’ Adam says turning off the bedside lamp.

 

Jordan feels nauseated again as he watches Adam leave. He wants Adam to stay. 

 

Adam lingers at the door.

 

‘I’ll be in my room if you need me.’ Adam says as he closes the door, leaving a small crack open for the living room light to stream through

 

*

 

‘It’s just a rebound thing,’ Jamie says and because he has a pathological need to prove he’s gay he’s pouring out a glass of sangria as he says it.

 

‘I don’t care about his relationship. I just think it’s shitty he didn’t wear the sweater. That’s normal. That’s a normal feeling to have, right?’ Jordan says, brandishing a spatula at his friends. He's resumed his usual role as cook.

 

‘That’s a normal feeling to have,’ Studge agrees as he sips on the sangria Jamie hands him, ‘Within the twenty minutes after the infraction. That party was two days ago and you got blackout drunk over it.’

 

‘I had three glasses of eggnog and Jamie gave me all of them!’

 

Jamie looks guilty even as he’s defending himself, ‘I didn’t know what your tolerance was!’

 

‘Yeah mate, you’re a big guy, one would think you would be able to hold some eggnog.’ Studge says trying to console Jamie, which, rude since Jordan is the one with the distressed heart

 

‘Wait- what are you doing here?’ Jordan asks because he could swear that Studge was not here when Jordan first stormed into Jamie's house, ready to brainstorm ideas on how to manage his Adam issues.

 

‘Gary sends his condolences but he’s in London for business and I needed a witness to your annual expression of emotions so that people don’t think I’m making it up.’ Jamie says.

 

‘I express emotions! I am expressing one right now!’ Jordan exclaims, agitation building.

 

‘I know and it’s a Christmas miracle, mate.’ Jamie responds with a wink.

 

‘You guys are the worst.’

 

‘We are great. We’re listening to you whine about a sweater.’ Studge says around sips of sangria.

 

‘This is why,’ Jordan mutters, ‘this is why I can’t express my feelings.’

 

‘Ah, so you agree you repress your feelings.’ Jordan throws the kitchen towel on his shoulder at Jamie. The timer dings then and Jordan decides to drop the argument and gets to assembling the eggs benedict.

 

‘Anyway, do you think I should tell Adam, that it wasn’t cool of him to abandon me.’ Jordan says, plopping the eggs onto the ham with more force than strictly necessary. Studge looks at Jamie with a raised eyebrow.

 

‘He didn’t abandon you, Jordan.’ Jamie says cautiously, he sounds so serious that Jordan is afraid that some elaborate prank is about to take place, ‘he found you at the party and took you home. He clearly cares.’

 

‘He could care in a nicer way.’ Jordan responds, pouting slightly.

 

‘I know, mate. But you have to let this go.’

 

*

 

Lindsey is...Lindsey.

 

Jordan had, maybe, imagined that she would be a vapid, superficial girl like in Geordie Shore but she wasn’t. She was a nice, normal person. She would go on dates with Adam, sometimes she would stay over at their house, sometimes Adam stayed on in Liverpool. She talked about her job in the hospital accounting department, yoga, movies, her peripheral interest in footie and she was nice to Jordan.

 

It’s just that Jordan couldn’t imagine Adam dating her forever or even for very long. It’s just it’s been four days since Adam had introduced them and it feels like she’s been around for fifty years already.

 

Maybe, this might be ironical coming from Jordan but Lindsey is, once the sparkle of her good looks wears off, a little boring. Or maybe, he just got too used to Stevie’s dramatic love life and this is actually what a normal relationship is like. Jordan watches them kiss over the kitchen counter while Adam serves them all breakfast and decides that, maybe he should head into work early to help Studge with the food prep.

 

‘Where you off to? Finish your breakfast!’ Adam squeals, affronted that Jordan is trying to walk away from the carefully balanced meal he has just served.

 

Jordan piles his eggs onto his toast, lays the bacon on top and makes it into a sandwich that he can carry out. He pats Adam’s cheek, ‘thanks, mate. But I’m late for work.’

 

‘I’d like to visit the pub one day, Jordan. Adam told me it’s great.’ Lindsey chimes in as he's almost out the door. She's always trying

 

‘Yeah, Studge’s Shepherd’s pie is to die for. Tuesdays and Fridays only.’ He replies before heading out. Jordan worries that he hadn’t seemed enthusiastic enough.

 

*

 

It’s Christmas day and he’s closed the pub early, mostly just packing up all the holiday orders for the people who can’t or don’t want to cook. Jordan actually can’t wait to pop in Studge’s mince pie into the oven, mash some potatoes and kick back and watch some television. He’s not sure where Adam is but he hasn’t seen him in three days so he assumes that Adam is gone for the holidays. 

 

Jamie had invited him to their family Christmas but Jordan isn’t interested in another person’s family drama. Also, Jamie keeps trying to set him up with Gary’s brother even though Jordan is pretty sure that he has a wife and kids. Jordan prefers his holidays free of the need to dodge threesome invitations. He’ll pop in tomorrow and meet everyone, hopefully,  _ after  _ all sexual debauchery has taken place.

 

But Jordan arrives home to find all the lights on. He would be more concerned about being burgled if it didn’t smell like the burglar was making him Christmas dinner.

 

‘Adam? What the fuck, mate?’

 

‘Nice to see you, Adam. Merry Christmas, Adam.’ Adam mocks and Jordan rolls his eyes.

 

‘Merry Christmas, Adam. Now, what the fuck?’ Adam chuckles and throws a black cloth at him. Jordan catches it on instinct and unfurls it to find that it’s his christmas sweater. Looking at his sweater makes him realize that Adam is wearing his; looking beautifully silly in his red christmas sweater with a nonplussed looking polarbear in a scarf and santa hat. 

 

‘We never got to wear our sweaters together.’ Adam, says like that explains everything, the dinner, the decorations, his fucking presence.

 

‘Thought you went home.’ 

 

‘I’ve got to work, mate.’

 

‘And Lindsey?’

 

‘Turns out while the healthcare part of the hospital can’t close, the accounts department can, she’s home with her parents.’

 

‘Stuck with me, then.’ Jordan responds.

 

‘And you me,’ Adam responds cheerfully, ‘but I made dinner to make up for it.’ Adam helps him take off his coat and ushers Jordan to their kitchen. Jordan puts the sweater on and Adam puts on a holiday playlist.

 

There’s mashed potato and stuffing and roast chicken, Adam embarrassedly explains how he didn’t have time to make turkey because his shift only ended this morning.

 

‘You worked all night and then cooked all day?’ Jordan says incredulously.

 

‘Well I napped while the chicken was roasting and bought the stuffing and pudding.’

 

‘Still,’ Jordan says, suddenly unable to remember why he was annoyed at Adam in the first place, ‘this is incredible. You’re incredible.’ Adam is in the middle of handing Jordan a plate just as he says it so he can’t hide the pretty blush creeping up his cheeks.

 

‘You should eat it before complimenting it.’ Adam says, trying to hide behind the plate he picked up for himself.

 

‘I’ll compliment it after too.’ Jordan looks at Adam tenderly, suddenly filled with an inexplicable tingling of happiness. This time Adam hides his embarrassment by pretending to be engrossed in the mashed potatoes. They sit at the kitchen counter and eat the dinner and Jordan finds his spirit lifted even though just half an hour ago the prospect of spending time with another human being seemed terribly daunting.

 

They chat about family and funny holiday stories from their childhood and the conversation comes to a natural lull as they both pick at the last morsels on their plates, mentally preparing for dessert. Adam is cutting through the christmas pudding when Jordan decides to throw a wrench in their newfound balance.

 

‘Why’d you cheat on your wife?’ Adam’s eyebrows rise so high that Jordan thinks it will fly through his hair and Jordan has to backtrack, ‘you don’t have to answer that.’

 

‘I want to. I probably should.’ Adam responds, but he stays still for another few moments, ‘I wanted out.’ Adam finally says, ‘it was a shitty way to do it but it made some twisted logic back then.’

 

Jordan nods, isn’t sure how to trek through this silence, he waits. If anything being a bartender has made him a great listener.

 

Adam finally continues, ‘We’ve been having some problems conceiving. I don’t know,’ Adam breathes out through his mouth, like he has to push out the rest of his thought, ‘our relationship just became about this baby we couldn’t have.’

 

‘Do you regret it?’ Because sometimes Jordan isn’t sure.

 

Adam scoffs, ‘of course I do.’ Adam looks at him and Jordan doesn’t know what he sees that prompts him to clarify immediately, ‘I don’t regret the divorce, we were due that. I regret the way I did it. I should have said something instead of-’ Adam cuts off.

 

‘Okay.’ Jordan responds before Adam has to finish saying the rest. When Adam finally cuts out the pudding and portions them into small plates, handing him one, Jordan knows that the window of Adam's vulnerability is over.

 

‘So, what’s your work schedule like for the rest of the year?’ Jordan asks, lifting some of the heaviness between them.

 

*

 

‘Mate, haven’t you seen this three times before?’ Jordan asks Adam, who’s currently snuggled into Jordan’s side, sobbing into his shoulder. Jordan hands him a tissue before snot can dribble onto his shirt.

 

‘But-’ Adam hiccups through his tears, ‘But Matthew deserved so much better.’ He manages to say before dissolving into hysterics again. Jordan takes a deep breath before letting out a sigh. He pats Adam on the back, ‘There, there.’ He says, ‘I’m sure Mary will pull through.’ But that only makes Adam sob harder and Jordan wants to punch himself because bringing up the widow was probably not the best course of action to make Adam stop crying.  At this point, he’s ready to cry just to get Adam to stop. While Jordan doesn’t really feel tragedy in the show quite as deeply, watching Adam cry is making him irrationally upset.

 

‘There’s a brilliant canon divergent fix-it fic where Matthew is alive, if you want to console yourself.’ Adam says as his sniffles finally die down.

 

‘I’m sorry,’ Jordan asks, blinking confusedly, ‘are you speaking English?’

 

*

 

The New Year’s party over at the pub is the best way to bring the whole community together and one of the only venues to do so even though Jordan has to put out a lot of seating and heaters outside. The local council subsidizes the cost of the extra arrangements and it’s great for business but most of all, it’s just really, really fun. 

 

Studge loves playing DJ for the night instead of cooking. Emre cracks his annual smile to spread the hope of a beautiful new year full of pleasant and unique surprises. But also, Jordan can’t help but feel comforted and hopeful being surrounded by so much happiness and love. Jordan loves the life he leads but sometimes, with his entire family still in Sunderland, the loneliness feels vast and unconquerable. These are the memories, of being surrounded by countless of people he loves, that he clings to when the nights are too long. 

 

He and Emre take turns manning the bar and he lets Emre spend more time not working. Jordan enjoys serving people just as Emre enjoys not having to work and being able to party. People come to the bar to talk to him and it’s the best vantage point to monitor drunken ruckus. Adam comes to visit him too, to grab a pint in between socializing and dancing with Lindsey. Jordan is so happy that even Lindsey feels precious to him. When she hugs him and tells him that she’s glad they’ve met, Jordan returns the sentiment with genuine enthusiasm.

 

The loud excitement gives way to quiet anticipation the closer they get to midnight. 

 

_...5 _

People are huddling in with their partners ready to kiss. 

 

_...4 _

Studge has lowered his music.

 

_...3 _

the telly is turned to the BBC broadcast of the fireworks in London. 

 

_...2 _

Jordan issues his warning to Jamie and Gary that this is a family event and things  _ must _ be kept PG.

 

_...1 _

A loud cheer of ‘Happy New Year!’ rings across the bar and the telly. Adam has pulled Lindsey in close and they go at it  _ hard _ . Maybe a couple that is  _ not  _ Jamie and Gary has to be wrestled apart this year, Jordan thinks, but they break apart before Jordan has to set forth to do the embarrassing task for them. 

 

Everyone watches the rest of the fireworks play out in relative silence on the telly, with the occasional whoop and cheer for a particularly flashy one. Adam comes to him sometime after that and steps behind the bar, frowning slightly. Jordan chalks it up to him being drunk, doesn’t bother with keeping him out -- if he’s not making a mess then there’s no harm.

 

‘You got a kiss, mate?’ Adam asks, looking serious and rather upset.

 

‘No, Adam. I haven’t got anyone to kiss.’ Jordan says slowly, like he’s trying to explain the situation to a small child.

 

Adam’s frown only gets deeper, ‘but that’s just not fair!’ He looks so sincere that Jordan can’t help the laugh that escapes him.

 

‘Yeah?' Jordan says, humoring the upset Adam, 'How so?’

 

‘Well,’ Adam says and pauses, licks his lips slowly as though to stall having to say anything more, ‘you’re brilliant-’ Jordan laughs again, ‘Thanks, mate.’ but Adam isn’t done yet, his fingers up travels up Jordan's bicep with a sharp intake of breathe ‘-and you’re really fit and-,’ Adam is looking right at Jordan’s lips now, swaying in close, ‘-and your-’ Adam uses one hand to leverage himself on Jordan’s shoulder to lean up and kiss him right at the corner of his lips.

 

Jordan’s entire body feels aflame at Adam's mouth soft and chaste and so close to his own.

 

‘There-’ Adam says, licks his lips  _ again  _ and Jordan feels a desire so strong that he’s dizzy from it, ‘-fixed it.’ Adam has the audacity to smile up at him, all crinkly and cute, like all of Jordan’s carefully crafted walls and excuses weren’t crashing around him. As though the universe wasn’t laughing at Jordan because he genuinely thought that he could avoid things from going spectacularly horrifically wrong again from sheer force of will.

 

Jordan wonders, heart pounding in his ears, what would happen if he throws caution to the wind and just kisses Adam, deep, lingering and full on the mouth, the way he wants to.

 

‘Yeah, mate. Thanks.’ He says instead.

 


	3. the distance calls you to come closer

Now that all that Jordan can think about is kissing Adam, he’s started noticing that Adam’s favorite past time appears to be lying about the house defenseless, seemingly waiting for Jordan to do so.

 

For one, Adam is shirtless more often than any human needs to be. He hangs about in his towel after showers a lot, just casually air drying like a lazy cat. Mornings that Adam can sleep in he wakes up and sleepily wanders around in his pajama bottoms, doing light housework or watching tv or dozing on the couch.

 

The whole dozing on the couch is particularly hazardous to Jordan’s heart, even more so than Adam’s bare torso. Adam, despite his unending energy, looks tired all the time. There could be a variety of reasons for this, the weekly all nighter at the hospital, his habit of binge watching television, the coffee guzzling that renders sleep moot most of the time. But whatever the reason, he looks and usually actually is, ready for a nap almost anywhere.

 

Jordan has found him napping draped across the kitchen counter, over a book on his desk, once in the bathtub because apparently the rest of the house was too hot. 

 

But it’s the completely relaxed way that Adam naps on the couch after coming home from work or in the middle of watching TV that catches Jordan off guard the most. Adam isn’t too tired to take the five steps to his bedroom to take his nap in privacy, but instead chooses to do so where Jordan can see him. There’s a certain amount of intimacy in rearranging Adam’s legs to make room for himself as he curls up to read a book, or watch the TV show that Adam abandoned halfway through.

 

Jordan especially loves it when Adam will wake up, blearily notice him at the end of the couch and only stretch his legs on Jordan’s lap with a, ‘good morning.’ no matter what time of the day it is.

 

*

 

Jordan is surprised to find Adam home on a Thursday morning. 

 

‘Hello?’ Jordan says, but he poses it as a question, Adam waves back not really looking up from his laptop, ‘Isn’t it your turn to stayover at Lindsey’s?’

 

‘It was.’ Adam agrees, ‘but we broke up.’ 

 

Jordan has to take a moment to process because Adam says it like he’s talking about a train schedule.

 

‘You broke up?’

 

‘Yup.’

 

‘Why?’

 

Adam shrugs, he’s still typing on his laptop, ‘I don’t know, it ran its course. No reason to drag it into Valentine season,’ Jordan is still looking at him confused, is this something that happens? People just run out of feelings? He thought breakups always involved crying, broken plates, hysteric voicemails. Adam finally finishes typing, ‘because when you spend Valentine’s together, it becomes a whole thing.’

 

Jordan didn’t know that relationships, much less Adam’s, was just half a thing. It didn’t seem like half a thing when they were loudly having sex in Adam’s room last week.

 

‘Are you sad?’ Normally it would be a dumb question (because what other reaction was there to breaking up?) but Adam really doesn’t look sad, not even a little bit.

 

‘I guess, you know?’ Adam says after a few moments of thinking. Jordan really, really doesn’t. Adam must catch on that Jordan is confused because he elaborates, ‘it’s always nice to have someone, you know? Makes you feel less lonely. So yeah I’m kind of missing that. Just having someone.’

 

‘Was Lindsey sad?’

 

‘I guess so. We had weird, sad goodbye sex but I don’t think she was exactly planning on introducing a 29 year old divorcee to her parents, you know?

 

There’s a lot that Jordan wished he didn’t know. First, he didn’t really want to imagine how Adam had sad sex (even though he couldn’t help the image flooding his mind) and second that Adam could just leave a person, a relationship, a commitment and not...feel anything about it _. _

 

What kind of a person did that make Adam?

 

*

 

‘Oi!’ Jordan yells when a bread roll hits his head.

 

‘Mate you’ve been changing that keg for over half an hour, what’s wrong?’ Studge says, in his credit, he does look concerned if not unrepentant for the bread throwing.

 

‘Nothing’s wrong. Just thinking.’

 

‘’Bout?’ Studge has trudged out of the kitchen, ladle in hand looking ready for his share of gossip. It’s a very signature Jamie Carragher look and Jordan almost has a heart attack.

 

‘Nothing mate, get back to your pies.’

 

‘Sure you’re not thinking about Adam and his breakup with Lindsey?’

 

Jordan can’t help the surprise, ‘How’d you know about that?’

 

‘Well he’s happily going about town on a Thursday, isn’t he? Good guess.’

 

‘Jamie.’ Jordan knows his friends too well and Studge gives into his unimpressed look.

 

‘Alright, yeah. They’re hanging out and Jamie texted me.’

 

‘And who did you text?’

 

‘No one.’ Studge responds with a huff, affronted that Jordan would even imply that he would gossip. Jordan doesn’t buy it, keeps looking at him sternly, ‘except Emre and Simon.’ Studge finally admits and Jordan shakes his head disappointedly. ‘What?’ Studge says defensively, ‘it’s not a secret or nothing.’

 

Jordan groans into his hands and he doesn’t even know why. Studge is right, it’s not a secret. Adam not dating should be a good thing, now Jordan can maybe do the thing he’s been wanting to do. 

 

Kiss him.

 

But now that it was a possibility, Jordan dreads it in the pit of his stomach.

 

‘It’s a good thing, mate. He’s single. Go for it.’ Studge says, leaning in close so that no one can overhear.

 

‘Even if that isn’t the worst idea ever, to just suddenly jump your roommate. What if I’m the same to him? What if I just run my course with him?’

 

‘You’re in deep, aren’t you? You’re looking at baby names, aren’t you?’ Studge says around an exasperated eyeroll. Jordan gestures punching Studge who pretends to flinch and block it. A moment later Studge touches Jordan’s shoulder, looks at him sincerely, ‘Lindsey was just a rebound. You’re his mate. He’s not going to fuck around with your feelings.’

 

‘Yeah?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

*

 

It takes a few days for Jordan to muster the courage or even make a plan but he thinks he’s got it. He’s just going to casually suggest activities to do together which will become de facto dates that neither of them will ever question. Ten years later and boom...they’re married with two kids and Jordan never has to admit anything.

 

Jordan is trying to pick a casual yet date-like activity when Adam bursts into his room. Adam takes off his shirt and dramatically throws it onto Jordan’s bed. 

 

‘You need to help me get it on, mate!’ Adam says and Jordan’s brain is too busy short circuiting to understand what’s happening.

 

‘Now? Here?’ Jordan stammers.

 

‘Yeah-well-everything is laid out in my room, so you have to come.’ And Jordan’s stomach drops because it’s happening too fast. He’s only thought about licking Adam’s nipples for the first time that morning, he isn’t mentally prepared to do it right this second. Jordan still follows Adam, striding confidently to his room. If Jordan is being honest, he imagined this to happen in a more romantic and less purposeful way. But Adam’s jeans are tight and Jordan’s dick jolt’s at the sight and Jordan is suddenly very, very ready.

 

‘So?’ Adam says once they reach his room, ‘Which shirt should I wear?’

 

‘What?’

 

‘Well I have a date tonight and I need to dress to impress.’ Adam says with a exaggerated eye waggle.

 

‘You need fashion advice?’ Jordan says, heart sinking at ‘date’. 

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘From me?’ always-ready-for-a-photoshoot Adam needing Jordan’s perspective on fashion has to be even more incredulous than Jordan’s first thought, that he suddenly wanted to make tender, passionate gay love.

 

‘Yeah, well. You’re-you’re gay, right? Thought you’d be able to tell what makes me look-,’ Adam flushes a little, ‘-well, fuckable.’

 

And Jordan blushes too, but not because he finds talking about sex embarrassing, but because of the truth. That Jordan finds Adam fuckable in his worn out grey t-shirt with the terrible hospital pun on the back and a little hole around the armpit.

 

‘Well,’ Jordan ponders, thinks about Adam wearing his tight light wash jeans with way too many rips for Jordan to run his fingers over. He points at the black v-neck with the gunmetal rivets on one shoulder, ‘that one.’ 

 

Jordan thinks about meeting Adam like this at a bar. A handsome stranger with rivets on his t-shirt offering him a drink. He’s not working in this fantasy, it’s a different bar, where men hold hands and kiss each other on the dance floor. And Adam is there, on purpose, to find a man, to find Jordan. And Jordan finds Adam and they dance with each other. They sway together and Adam holds onto his bicep, like he had at the New Year’s party, but this time his gaze into Jordan’s eyes is clear and when he leans up, it’s to find Jordan’s lips, no hesitations, no confusion.

 

‘That good?’ Adam asks around a chuckle, pulling Jordan out from his reverie. He’s wearing the t-shirt now and Jordan finds it cruel, to be seeing Adam in it, just like how he had imagined a second ago but knowing that the rest wouldn’t follow. Despite, the overconfident words, Adam looks unsure, like Jordan can crush him with his answer.

 

Jordan nods around a swallow, in a way he’s admitting that he finds Adam attractive and he wants Adam to figure it out the rest of the way too, ‘you’ve never needed advice on clothing before.’ Jordan comments.

 

Adam looks a little sheepish, ‘well, this isn’t so much a date as a quick romp in the sheets. First impression is kind of key.’

 

Jordan hopes he doesn’t look as scandalized as he feels.

 

*

 

‘Alright.’ Emre snaps, ‘I think the pies are all salty from your tears.’

 

‘I am not crying.’ Jordan responds, slumped over his crust dough, the butter is starting to melt and if he doesn’t start rolling it soon, the crust will be too doughy. But he can’t muster the energy to care.

 

‘It’s an expression for how much of a downer you’re being.’ Emre says annoyed, ‘I’m fixing this.’

 

And Jordan has a sudden vision of Emre lugging Adam on his back all the way from his job in Liverpool, scrubs and all, to the pub and yelling, ‘can’t you see that sad man is in love with you.’

 

But Emre only picks up Jordan’s phone, on the kitchen counter, and fiddles with it.

 

‘I’m on your facebook.’ He says and Jordan shrugs, he doesn’t really care if Emre is posting some embarrassing status update. Ten minutes later when Jordan has finally rolled his crust, Emre says, ‘done.’ He puts the phone in front of Jordan and there’s a picture of a cute man.

 

Jordan looks at him quizzically.

 

‘That’s tinder. Swipe right if you like someone, swipe left if you don’t. Rest you can figure out. I swiped a couple of guys for you already. Thank you.’

 

When Jordan doesn’t respond, still muddling through his confusion, Emre groans, ‘It’s an online dating app, you dinosaur. If he’s fucking around, so should you.’

 

Jordan doesn’t really want to fuck around. It’s not something he’s ever wanted. He just wants to think about Adam less. And when Adam isn’t around because he’s with Darlene or Kristen, Jordan just thinks about him even more.

 

So when he gets a notification on his phone that he has a message on Tinder, he responds out of a mix of curiosity and loneliness.

 

The guy who messages him has curly hair and looks vaguely familiar even though Jordan doesn’t remember swiping right on him. He must have been one of Emre’s swipes.

 

*

 

Jordan isn’t really sure what he’s doing but when Mo had asked him out for tea he had no good reason to say no. It’s strange to think that somehow he’s expected to know if he likes someone after talking to them online for four days. 

 

But last night Mo had said, ‘ _ I like your smile _ ’ and Jordan had held that compliment close when he’d gone to bed, for the first time in a while, not thinking about how Adam wasn’t home. He’d woken up to realize that he hadn’t complimented Mo back but now it felt too late. But as he drove out in his pick-up to meet Mo, he’d realized that there were certain things about Mo he  _ did  _ know that felt somehow more intimate than his last name, which he also didn’t know. Like how Mo could talk about the pyramids for three hours and how Jordan liked reading his long texts about them.

 

Jordan is mildly worried that he won’t recognize Mo when he sees him in person and he frets about waving at the wrong bearded guy all through waiting for him. But it’s unmistakable when Mo walks into the tea shop, eyes scanning the crowd, a soft smile spreading across his face right up to his eyes when he sees Jordan. 

 

Jordan feels embarrassed at how Mo had complimented his smile. Jordan knows he doesn’t really have lips and with the beard, there’s just no transition between teeth and facial hair. It’s quite jarring really. Mo’s smile on the other hand, puts all the pictures Jordan has seen of it, to shame. It not only lights up Mo’s face but the general vicinity of Mo’s face too, like he’s walking around with just a smidge of aureate light around it.

 

They pick up a conversation about Liverpool FC that they had started yesterday once they get settled in with their teas and scones. There’s something about the way Mo speaks, easily excitable, dropping articles left right and centre and rolling his r’s in the most endearing way, that makes Jordan’s heart beat just a tiny bit faster. 

 

It’s not unlike how Adam made him feel last year, before he’d kissed him and bulldozed through any walls of propriety that Jordan had hoped to keep up. So the feeling gives him a kind of hope that maybe this will work and annoys him to no end that Emre’s stupid solution is working.

 

‘So you’re a doctor in Liverpool Hospital, then?’ Jordan asks even though he knows this already, it was in Mo’s profile. There was something about Mo being a doctor that made Jordan feel wholly satisfied with himself. Like he’s finally got proof that he’s good enough for one.

 

Mo nods, ‘it’s less glamorous than it sounds, mostly I’m just handing out antibiotics for runny poops.’

 

‘I know someone who works there.’ Jordan says and there’s a weird rush at the prospect of dating someone who has maybe passed Adam, maybe even knows him.

 

‘Yeah? Hope it wasn’t something too serious.’ Mo jokes. Jordan laughs because even though he knows Mo is talking getting a serious illness, there’s a whole other aspect to ‘serious’ that Jordan can’t really figure out with Adam.

 

How serious is he about Adam?

 

‘No, my roommate is Adam Lallana, he works in internal medicine.’

 

‘You live with Adam Lallana?’ Mo’s face lights up with recognition, ‘He talks about you all the time. Can’t believe you’re his Jordan’

 

Jordan stomach churns at the possessive  _ ‘his’ _ , ‘he does?’ He asks bewildered. The fact that Jordan exists within Adam’s subconsciousness outside their house shocks him more than it should.

 

‘I work in internal medicine too, we’re good friends.’ And Jordan suddenly realizes why Mo had looked so familiar. It’s because Jordan has seen him before, when he’d gone to pick Adam up from the hospital. All of a sudden, he’s not certain how he feels about dating one of Adam’s friends. Mo continues speaking, ‘we joke about how-’ Mo stops, looks a little embarrassed.

 

‘How?’ Jordan presses.

 

‘-well you two sound kind of married. So we-uh- joke about you being his new wife.’

 

Jordan’s stomach flops at the prospect, that Jordan could be that for Adam. Ripples of desire for that intimacy and that claim on Adam go through his body, makes his toes curl.

 

Jordan can feel that he’s flushed up to his ears, ‘it’s not like that.’ He insists, his mouth feels dry.

 

‘I have to admit, this is a little weird.’ Mo says, breaking off a piece of scone and scooping some cream on top, ‘I kind of feel like I need his permission now.’

 

*

 

Jordan doesn’t expect to find Adam there when he gets home. It feels like Adam is barely home anymore. So of course, when Jordan gets back, Adam is perched in front of the telly, munching on some jaffa cakes.

 

‘Where you been?’ Adam doesn’t sound accusing but Jordan feels accused, as though he’s asking himself that question and doesn’t have an answer that doesn’t make his cheeks flame.

 

‘Around.’ Jordan responds, thankful for the sliver of rationality that knows he doesn’t owe Adam anything.

 

‘Want to go for a run?’ Adam asks, finally looking away from the telly. It’s worse now, Adam’s eyes pierce through him, as though disappointed that he’s gone on a date instead of running with Adam.

 

‘Can’t. Work.’

 

Adam makes a noncommittal sound before he’s back to the telly, ‘bring back dinner. I don’t want to cook.’

 

‘Okay, but it’s baked cod day.’

 

‘Extra mashed potatoes, please.’

  
  


*

 

Dating Mo feels less like dating and more like spending time with someone who compliments him a lot. Jordan isn’t complaining, likes the too long gazes and awkward brushes of fingers across teacups. Complimenting Mo is easy too, there’s so much about him for Jordan to admire. It’s easy to brush his knuckles across the side of his face and marvel at his kindness or his passion.

 

On their third date Mo takes the timid intimacy growing between them and plunges headfirst into relationship territory such that Jordan can’t ignore that he’s also harboring feelings for Adam on the side. Mo stops Jordan before they can walk all the way up to the hospital where he starts a shift in twenty minutes and kisses him, right there in an alleyway where people are passing by. 

 

The kiss is chaste, but Mo has gathered in close so that they’re sharing warmth in the chilly Liverpool wind. Mo’s fingers find his, gently tangling together as Jordan let’s the kiss fill him with a kind of satisfaction that he hasn’t felt in a very long time.

 

Jordan is a little giddy when Mo finally breaks apart, backing away from him, fingers slowly untangling.

 

‘See you later,’ Mo says so softly that Jordan’s stomach flips and he responds with a dreamy,  _ ‘bye’  _ waiting until Mo is out of sight before walking away. On the train home, Jordan decides to give up on Adam completely. There are parts of this whole online dating thing that feels artificial. How do you just meet someone and then start dating them? It took Jordan months to want to be with Adam, how can he be expected to make a commitment like that to Mo after only knowing him for two weeks? 

 

However, Jordan knows that he has something good going on. That maybe, after a few months he’ll feel the same way about Mo without all the agony of not being liked back. That relieves Jordan a little, takes the pressure off the voice in his head that softly whispers, ‘ _ what if you’re just not good enough.’ _

 

His resolution falters the minute Adam comes home and snuggles into his side on the sofa.

 

‘I’m so glad you’re awake.’ Adam mumbles. Adam wasn’t working an overnight but he’s done a double shift since early morning and he’s dead weight against Jordan. Jordan’s heart races when he thinks about how Adam was just _ there  _ inside the building, so close to him when Mo had kissed him outside the hospital.

 

‘Do you need anything?’ Jordan says running his fingers through Adam’s hair. Adam makes a soft mewling sound.

 

‘Just you. Just cuddles.’ He responds.

 

‘You’re surprisingly affectionate today.’

 

‘I am always affectionate to you.’ Jordan has to wonder whether Adam is that oblivious or if he just outright lies.

 

‘No food?’

 

‘Had dinner.’

 

‘Shower?’

 

‘Someone threw up on me so I had to take one a few hours ago.’

 

‘Bed?’

 

‘But you won’t be there.’

 

Jordan lets Adam doze on him, knows that he’ll get his way no matter what. He extends his legs out onto the coffee table and goes back to watching the telly. Jordan receives a text from Mo.

 

_ ‘I told Adam about us dating today. Hope it’s okay to call what we’re doing that?’ _

 

_ ‘Yeah, more than okay :)’  _ Jordan texts back. He looks down at the hand Adam has curled possessively around his waist in confusion.

  
  


*

 

Jordan thinks he hears the door open while he’s in the shower and so he peeks from behind the curtain to check.

 

‘Adam, what the fuck?’ He yells, ‘get out!’ Jordan sprays a couple of drops of water running down his arm at Adam’s direction.

 

Adam dodges easily, throws back a sleepy smile and boops him on his wet nose, ‘Good morning there big fella.’

 

‘Adam,’ he says trying to sound as stern as he can manage, ‘I’m showering.’

 

‘I need to brush my teeth, I’m hungry.’ Adam says matter-of-factly.

 

‘You can do that later.’

 

Adam closes the bathroom, a show of dominance, since there’s no one else in the house they need privacy from, ‘Make me.’ Adam grins self-satisfied at Jordan frowning but heading back behind the shower curtain, giving in.

 

Jordan finishes washing and is ready to get out when he realizes that Adam is  _ still  _ inside the bathroom, trimming his beard. The water is turned off so Jordan doesn’t have to yell but he still tries to sound as disappointed as he can manage, ‘what are you still doing here?’

 

Adam doesn’t answer and instead stops for a second, only one of his cheeks done, to grab the towel hanging on a handlebar on the door and handing it to Jordan. It’s slightly weird but Jordan knows it’s easier than trying to get Adam to afford him some privacy. Jordan dries himself behind the curtain and wraps the towel around his waist before stepping out.

 

He has to stand close to Adam, back turned to Jordan, to be able to slither out. Suddenly, the bathroom feels too clammy, fogged up from the heat of Jordan’s shower. The door is still closed and there’s barely an inch between their bodies. Jordan feels a flush rush down to his toes, acutely aware of how naked he is, and heat pool deep inside his stomach in the few seconds that they spend just looking at each other across the mirror. 

 

Adam never stops trimming his beard, the whirr of the machine only seems to heighten the tension as he’s staring right at Jordan, eyes dark and limitless. 

 

Jordan swallows. The sound reverberates across his ears.

 

‘Still hungry?’ Jordan asks, hopes that their friendly routine of making each other food would bring some normalcy into their lives.

 

‘Yeah.’ Adam almost sighs as he says it and for one,  _ insane  _ moment Jordan thinks that he isn’t talking about food.

 

*

 

The next time he gets together with his friends for another round of talk about Jordan’s pathetic crush over food and drinks, it’s at the pub. Emre keeps complaining that they leave him out because they meet during his shifts and demands that he’s included this time because he’s the one that introduced Jordan and Mo. Well, introduced Jordan to the app that introduced them.

 

But Jordan has Mo now and suddenly it’s a lot less pathetic and therefore a lot less juicy. They must have other things to talk about Jordan thinks, they’ve been friends for longer than Jordan has had heart troubles but Jamie is almost recalcitrant as he sips on his beer and Emre is on his phone. Jordan is working his shift and Studge shrugs and heads over to the kitchen to make an order of a ham sandwich even though he’s off until dinner rush. 

 

The business at the pub is slow and Jordan leans against the counter he’s working behind and stares at his friends, ‘What’s wrong?’

 

Emre shrugs and Jamie sighs. Suddenly, it’s an opportunity for Jordan to wheedle Jamie. Jamie is hardly ever silent, even on days that they have nothing to talk about Jamie is always rattling on about Gary and the sunshine that he seems to fart on a regular basis.

 

‘I feel like I haven’t seen Gary for eons, mate.’ Jordan says and he tries to get the innuendo in his voice, like ‘ _ aha! I am talking about a person you have sex with’  _ but mostly it just comes out concerned.

 

‘Which Gary? My roommate, that Gary?’ Jamie’s voice is tight. Jordan gets a flashback to the time that Jamie was still in the closet, all gruff and tight-jawed, every word needing to be wrestled out of him. Jordan hates it, suddenly wants to make it better for Jamie and not just tease him. If Jamie hadn’t come out, Jordan would have never been able to tumble after.

 

‘Yes?’ He responds, ‘trouble in paradise?’ Emre has put his phone down and is now looking at Jamie intently.

 

Jamie looks almost angrily at him, ‘it’s being handled mate.’ Jordan doesn’t pry, files that task away for later when they’re in private, when Jamie can’t cling to excuses to shutter himself. He has the sudden inexplicable urge to lighten the mood by saying, ‘ _ I think Adam is trying to seduce me. _ ’ and the thought is just as  _ insane  _ as it had been the first time he’d had it in the bathroom before. 

 

The bathroom thing has become a routine, Jordan has stopped locking the door and Adam will sidle in just as he’s getting in the shower and trim his beard until Jordan is ready to get out, towel ready to be passed on. It’s almost comforting, an extra sliver of time that they’ve carved out to spend together. Mo and Adam’s schedules are almost perfectly aligned and so Jordan hardly ever sees Adam anymore. Now that Jordan has Mo, he’s pleased to find, he no longer  _ yearns  _ for Adam.

 

He keeps silent.

 

To his surprise Adam walks into the pub, returning from his shift, still in scrubs, ‘today’s special and a pint.’ he says sliding out a tenner at him. Adam looks at Jordan intently as he pours out the pint. The lines of his face are hard,  _ tired,  _ like he’s given up on pretending that he’s got any energy left after a long day. Jordan is starting to figure out that this is more likely to happen when Adam’s lost a patient. Adam is looking at him long moments after Jordan has slid him his beer across the counter.

 

‘You’re happier.’ Adam says, tendrils of wonder line the words, like he’s marvelling at some disgusting yet magnificently colored insect.

 

‘Can’t complain.’ Jordan shrugs, trying to stand his ground against the intensity of Adam’s gaze.

 

‘No.’ Adam insists, ‘like in general, the past couple of weeks. You’re happier.’ Adam sounds so  _ resigned  _ that Jordan feels like he needs to comfort him somehow. He picks his beer up, gestures a cheers at him and trudges over to a seat in the corner to wait for his food instead of at the bar with the rest of them.

 

And Jordan knew then - as he  _ yearned _ for a different Adam, maybe the one from early on in their friendship, who kissed Lindsey right in front of him and couldn’t tell how much Jordan hurt- that all his makeshift balance and happiness was horribly, impossibly hollow.

 

*

 

Mo is kissing him on the couch. They’ve started hanging out in Mo’s house and Jordan realizes that he’s grown to really like it, spending time here. Jordan’s stomach lurches, he tries to settle into the kiss, tries to get the image of Adam alone at the bar out his head. 

 

But he can’t. 

 

Mo’s gentle touch, his soft lips, brilliant smile or the cute way he rolls the r when he says  _ Jordan  _ just isn’t enough to patchwork the cracks crumbling up his heart.

 

‘What?’ Mo asks, careful and understanding immediately that something was wrong, and Jordan wishes Mo wouldn’t make this so hard.

 

‘I don’t think Adam is okay with us.’ Jordan thinks it’s the dumbest thing he’s ever tried to do, thrown something he’d worked  _ so hard  _ to build on a hunch, on some possibility that Adam wants him, on the even sadder possibility that Adam just doesn’t him with another person.

 

Mo raises his eyebrows a little, ‘does it matter?’

 

Jordan is glad that Mo can tell from the expression on his face because a ‘ _ yes _ ’ would be too much to utter, too cruel for Jordan to admit that he’s so far gone already.

 

Mo leans forward again, catches the top corner of his eyebrow with his lips.

 

*

 

Jordan knows Adam is going to be home, embarrassingly and so intimately familiar with his schedule. He doesn’t expect the overtly attentive behavior. Adam takes his coat, makes him dinner and asks about his day.

 

Of course, Jordan has had a horrible day that he doesn’t want to talk about,  _ can’t  _ even talk about because Adam can’t bring himself to admit that Jordan is - _ was-  _ dating his friend.

 

He offers a short answer, curt.

 

Adam staggers a little like he’s trying to figure out what he’s done wrong, ‘you know, you don’t have to leave all the time, you can always come back here- bring people over.’ 

 

‘I know that. It’s my house.’

 

‘I’m-I’m trying to say-

 

And Jordan knows what’s coming and it’s so unbearably, horribly brutal. That now, of all the time that Adam has had, he would give Jordan and Mo his blessing. After Jordan has already thrown all of it away, on a hunch that turns out to be wrong. 

 

Because  _ of course _ Jordan was wrong.

 

-fuck you.’ Jordan cuts him off, he’s angry. He’s angry at Adam.

 

‘What?’ Adam’s face goes white as a sheet.

 

‘I’ve been dating Mo for six weeks, why bring him up  _ now _ ?’ Jordan feels tired, he feels tired of being cast away. He’s tired of just accepting it. 

 

So he’s angry.

 

‘I just- I needed time to-’ Adam looks scared and a part of Jordan wants to shush him, tell him it’s okay, tell him that he doesn’t need to say anything, admit to anything.

 

-what?’ Jordan snaps when Adam pauses for too long, he rises out of his chair and he’s ready to storm out, he’s ready for his big exit.

 

‘I needed time to see that you’re happy.’ Adam stands up too, appeasing, like he’s anticipating Jordan storming off and wants to stop him.

 

‘I have watched you date for  _ months.  _ Lindsey, Shirley, Kristen, Darlene, Rebecca, Lindsey number two and you couldn’t- you couldn’t support me _ for once? _ ’ Jordan says all in one breathe. It feels good, it was bottled in for too long.

 

‘I am supporting you. I am trying.’ Adam says, frustration creeping into his voice, eyebrows knitted so close together that his face looks like one big wrinkle

 

‘Why is it so hard, Ads?’ He uses the nickname, watches how Adam melts when he says it. Jordan thinks- _ hopes- _ he knows where this is going. He just needs Adam to  _ say  _ it so he knows he isn’t crazy.

 

‘You have Mo.’ Adam says, voice tight, like he’s accusing Jordan of something, ‘You have Mo.’ He repeats.

 

‘Ads,’ He says, it comes out soft like a sigh but harsh like a warning, like Jordan will really leave if he doesn’t get an answer.

 

‘I  _ kissed _ you.’ Adam’s voice cracks and Jordan feels suddenly paralyzed because -  _ what? _

 

‘I broke up with my girlfriend.’ Adam’s fingers tremble where it’s clutched against the counter but his face is frustratingly turned towards the floor. Jordan needs to see him, he  _ needs  _ to see Adam’s face to believe that any of this is real.

 

‘I almost molested you in the bathroom and-’ Adam takes a shaky breathe, Jordan has moved slowly closer to him because Adam’s  _ hurting _ and he’d set out for this exact outcome, wanted to punish Adam for ruining things with Mo. Jordan reaches out for him, slides a hand across his cheek, brushes past the neatly trimmed beard and Adam leans into him with all of his body. 

 

He’s slowly falling into Jordan and Jordan is finally there to catch him.

 

‘-you never, not once, wanted me back.’ Adam’s shudders against him, Jordan feels shaken by it. Jordan’s words catch in his throat, he’d never meant to hurt Adam,  _ this much _ .

 

Jordan uses the hand on Adam’s cheek to turn his face upright. Adam lets him, looks at him with an unabashed honesty. Jordan wants to argue that all he’s done is want Adam from the very beginning, but the desire rushes across him in waves and waves and all he can do is pull Adam closer and kiss him.

 

For one, glorious second Adam kisses back. But before Jordan can slot their lips together properly, before he can register how soft Adam’s lips are, how swollen from all the nervous biting he’s just done, Adam’s hands finds his chest and  _ shoves. _

 

Adam looks absolutely livid, as furious as Jordan had felt when he had started yelling earlier. He looks like he will start yelling any moment now. Jordan wants him to. It would be better than the cold fury swirling between them. In the end, Adam scowls once more before he’s stalking off, shutting his bedroom door with a loud bang.

 

*

 

Jordan wakes up at the muffled thud of Adam’s door opening and closing. He hadn’t slept well, riddled with both guilt and indignation because Adam never said anything but then again neither had he. Was drunkenly kissing Jordan on New Year’s Eve three feet away from his girlfriend really better than what had done, which was nothing? 

 

He slept with his ears perked, too afraid to approach Adam’s bedroom but willing to watch it until Adam emerged. He listens to the shuffling of Adam’s feet outside his door, the slight whirring of the keurig coming to life and Jordan springs out of bed ready for action.

 

His enthusiasm makes way for caution as he approaches the kitchen where Adam has just poured some oil onto a pan. He has four pieces of bacon and two eggs waiting on the counter to be cooked, Jordan notices with relief. If Adam is still making him breakfast, then this can surely be salvaged?

 

‘Ads.’ He says as softly as he can manage, doesn’t want to startle him. Adam inhales sharply before turning around.

 

‘Morning.’ He says voice steely.

 

‘I broke up with Mo.’ Jordan says because he realizes what last night must have seemed like to Adam who hadn’t known. Adam who had cheated on his wife and regretted it, ‘last night when I’d- _ you know _ \- I had already broken up with him.’ Jordan can see Adam’s entire body slowly soften, he closes his eyes.

 

‘Jord why-

 

-The doorbell rings but neither of them move to get it. Jordan hopes that it will be quiet long enough for Adam to say what he has to. But they aren’t so lucky. The doorbell rings another two times. Jordan sighs and gets up to open the door for their guest. His heart stops.

 

‘Stevie?’ 

 

As his mind is catching up with the name that drop out of his mouth instantly, Stevie is already walking in and enveloping him into a hug.

 

‘Jord.’ He says, wrapping his tongue around the name with an unbridled about of glee, ‘did you miss me?’ and then he takes Jordan’s face into his hands and plants a kiss right on his lips. Jordan backs away as gently as he can without upsetting Stevie but also acutely aware of how Adam is probably behind them.

 

Stevie notices Adam then, face taut with strained politeness. Stevie approaches him in slow, measured strides, ‘hi! I’m Steven Gerrard. I’m Jordan’s ex.’ Stevie holds a hand out for Adam to shake.

  
‘Roommate.’ Jordan clarifies from behind them when it’s obvious the two are only interested in staring the other down, ‘he’s my ex- _ roommate _ .’


	4. take me into your arms

‘Stevie.’ Jordan says, hoping that wrapping his tongue around the name will make things seem less surreal. He still can’t believe that he’s saying it to Stevie’s face, watching Stevie’s ear perk up at being called, smiling like all he has wanted was to hear Jordan say his name again and hold him like he’s precious.

 

Stevie’s standing close to him, shoulders brushing as they lean against the kitchen island. Adam continues making breakfast, this time with an extra set of eggs and bacon. Jordan swallows around a burst of feeling bubbling upwards and outwards from deep within his gut.

 

‘You can’t just show up unannounced.’ He says finally and Stevie raises an eyebrow like he doesn’t understand why Jordan sounds opposed to the visit.

 

_ Just like you can’t just leave unannounced,  _ Jordan thinks.

 

‘But I didn’t.’ Stevie responds and Jordan doesn’t genuinely understand for a moment because he  _ had. _ Everything is a whole fucking mystery with Stevie, isn’t it? One moment he’s with Xabi and the next he isn’t and Jordan is left trailing, wrapping his head around every new development and swept up in Stevie’s mess even before realizing that he’s in it.

 

Stevie hadn’t even said goodbye, it was Gary who had told him that he needed to find a new roommate a week after Stevie had disappeared, apparently for good.

 

Apparently not for good.

 

Jordan doesn’t want to keep up anymore.

 

‘I told Jamie,’ Stevie says like that’s enough, like Jamie is the town crier and that’s somehow  _ enough _ , ‘I thought he’d tell you.’

 

Jordan realizes something that must have been true all along, is obvious now that he’s seen it, ‘you’ve kept in touch with the others.’

 

Stevie doesn’t argue, Jordan hopes the way his face twists into an exaggerated wrinkle means that he’s feeling guilty. Stevie had singled Jordan out. Stevie always does.

 

‘Jamie said he’d tell you.’

 

‘He hadn’t.’ Jordan wants it to cut, wants Stevie to know he thinks Stevie is a huge fucking asshole, ‘and neither had you.’

 

‘Breakfast is ready!’ Adam announces, forced cheer in his voice as he sets down plates with a noisy clutter, suddenly Jordan feels ravenous, grateful for the distraction. Stevie gets up without prompting and sidles past Adam right to the drawer that still has their utensils, He picks out three and slides them across the counter, nudging the one with the red handle to Jordan. 

 

Jordan’s fork.

 

Jordan hates the ease with which Stevie still fits so well in this whole scenario, it makes him ache with nostalgia, like he thinks he’s found something that he’d lost. And he hates that he can’t help but feel this way.

 

Thankfully, it’s Adam who sits next to Jordan, his fingers trail down his shoulders and arm as he does so. Stevie’s gaze flickers at the movement but he doesn’t say anything.

 

‘We should go around to Jamie’s later,’ Stevie says, ‘I left some stuff in his garage,’ Jordan nods because he doesn’t know what other response is there. Stevie is here, there’s not much else that can be done about that. 

 

They purposely avoid talking about the elephant in the room -  _ where is Stevie going to stay? _

 

Stevie had dropped off his bags in Jordan’s room. And Jordan is trying to avoid the thought of having to sleep with him on the same bed.

 

‘Jamie’s then?’ Stevie asks when they’re done and a silence looms upon them, devoid of spoons clattering against plate, Jordan feels Adam’s shoulder stiffen against him and Jordan turns to look at him.

 

‘Do you want to join us?’ Jordan asks and Adam chuckles.

 

‘To get Stevie’s stuff?’ He says like he finds the notion ridiculous, ‘My shift starts in two hours, I need to head out soon.’ And Adam leans in just the tiniest bit so that Jordan thinks he’s going to kiss him, but Adam only pats him on the shoulder, uses that as leverage to hoist himself out of his chair.

 

He does take Jordan’s empty plate but leaves Stevie’s. Stevie watches Adam move intently and throws a knowing smile at Jordan. Jordan ignores the smug look, sips on his morning tea.

 

* 

 

‘Strange for Gary and Jamie to both be MIA.’ Stevie says as he scratches his hair, looking at the locked garage door, ‘maybe I can smash the lock open?’

 

Jordan rolls his eyes, it’s a small issue so he doesn’t want to be petty but Stevie dragged him here without a gameplan or even ensuring that the owners were home. It’s low on the list of complaints he has against Stevie but it makes the large list even longer.

 

Jordan contemplates for one moment, not bailing him out.

 

‘I have a spare key back home, let me go grab it.’

 

Jordan leaves Stevie to quickly run across the street to grab the spare key to Jamie’s house that he keeps because Jamie locks himself out often, or doesn’t and needs an excuse to show up to wheedle at Jordan about something or other.  

 

When he walks out of his room he catches Adam, all dressed for work and packing up his backpack on the living room sofa. He’s tempted to continue the conversation that Stevie interrupted but no longer remembers what he was trying to say. But Adam doesn’t look on edge or angry, he’s smiling at him albeit a little shyly. The tension between them now is completely different, like he’s resisting a pull that their body’s have towards each other. 

 

Adam does approach him eventually, once he’s zipped up his bag and slung it over one shoulder and leans up to kiss him on the cheek before leaving for work. Jordan stands there for a while, feeling the imprint of Adam’s lips burn on his cheek, the memory making his heartbeat erratic.

 

He realizes what it is he’s feeling once he’s back with Stevie, handing the keys over.

 

Anticipation.

 

All Jordan can think about is the next time he will be alone with Adam. He’s too scared to start thinking about what he would  _ do. _

 

He’s snapped back to the present with Stevie frantically waving his hands in front of his face, ‘you okay, mate?’

 

Jordan nods, ‘what do you have in here anyway?’

 

‘Jamie said that there was a garbage bag full of my clothes here-’ he turns to wink at him like he knew that it was Jordan who had stuffed all of Stevie’s clothes into a garbage bag in a huff after he had left, fully intent on throwing it out into an actual garbage can, ‘-but, I’m also looking for- _ ah _ -there it is.’ Stevie has pushed aside some boxes to reveal a small wooden crate. 

 

Jordan recognizes it and has to suppress the urge to roll his eyes.

 

It’s Stevie’s typewriter, the one he busted out to write sad poems about his breakups with Xabi and wanted to pretend he was a tortured  _ artiste _ . 

 

‘You’re going to make me carry this?’

 

‘You’re the stronger one.’ Stevie says with a slight pleading look and Jordan sighs before he hoists the typewriter up.

 

‘Grab your stupid trash bag.’

 

Stevie blows him a kiss and grabs his bag with his clothes before following Jordan out of the garage.

 

Once they’re back in the house, Stevie takes the typewriter from him and sets it on Adam’s desk. Jordan’s stomach churns but he doesn’t say anything. He’s sure that Adam wouldn’t actually mind sharing and he can’t tell what bothers him about watching Stevie curl his feet up onto the chair and type.

 

‘I’ll be in my room.’

 

Stevie gets up immediately and holds him back, ‘stay with me.’ He says and it’s something about the soft way he says it that Jordan can’t say no. He settles on the couch and opts to flick through his phone instead, to the clack clack of Stevie’s typewriter in the background. A little bit of his unease settles and the surrealism starts bleeding out. More and more it’s easy to imagine Stevie being back.

 

That Stevie had never left.

 

And Jordan’s chest squeezes at the thought.

 

‘Hey.’ Stevie is next to him even before Jordan had realized that the typewriter was no longer ticking, ‘let’s go hang out with our friends,’ Stevie reaches out to touch his hand but it’s his soft smile that is out of place. Jordan had never felt like he’d ever really mattered to Stevie but Stevie is asking him now like he’ll stay with Jordan if he said no, ‘like old times?’

 

Jordan nods, curls their fingers together without thinking about it.

 

*

 

When they finally manage to coax a very drunk Studge off Stevie, they head back home and Jordan is disappointed to see all the lights turned off. He’s been confused the whole day and Stevie clinging to him confuses him even more.

 

He lets Stevie drag him into the house, all the way to his bedroom. Jordan suddenly feels nauseated when Stevie pulls his shirt off. He’s pretty sure Stevie is only changing out of his clothes into pajamas but this is more proximity in nakedness than he’d prepared himself for.

 

_ He can’t just show up unannounced. _

 

Jordan all but runs out of the room and straight to the closet to grab some blankets.

 

Stevie follows him out, ‘what are you doing?’

 

‘Setting up the couch.’ Jordan speaks slowly for Stevie’s benefit, who looks dazed and confused. 

 

Stevie blinks through glazed eyes, ‘why?’

 

‘To sleep.’

 

‘We’ll sleep together.’

 

‘No.’

 

‘No?’

 

‘No.’ Jordan repeats firmly.

 

‘C’mon, Jord. It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before.’

 

‘Yes, but we were friends then.’

 

Stevie laughs, ‘you’re mad about Spain.’

 

Jordan pulls out of reach when Stevie tries to hold his hand, ‘I am. You can’t just show up unannounced.’ He says and convinces himself that the heaviness he feels is satisfaction, of finally having called Stevie out.

 

This time when Stevie approaches he reaches for the blanket, ‘I’ll take the couch.’ Stevie says, looking like he’s holding in the urge to argue with Jordan further. Jordan pulls it out of reach.

 

‘You’re tired, just go to bed Stevie.’

 

‘You’re mad at me, I should be out on the couch.’

 

Jordan wishes that Stevie wouldn’t say flirtatious things like that because Stevie never realizes and Jordan’s knee-jerk reaction is to always  _ hope. _

 

‘I don’t want to deal with your whining tomorrow. Go. To. Bed.’

 

Stevie sighs, his cheeks rosy from the alcohol. He licks his lips slowly, making the decision to give up on this fight.

 

Jordan breathes out a sigh of relief when Stevie retreats into Jordan’s bedroom.

 

*

 

Jordan is awoken with a soft caress against his cheek. He jerks at the touch but he’s met with frantic shushing and fingers against his lips, stilling them.

 

‘What are you doing out here?’ Adam whispers, he’s crouched down next to the couch and Jordan feels relief flood through him, wants to pull Adam into his arms.

 

‘Sleeping.’ Jordan mumbles against Adam’s fingers. Adam quickly jerks his hand back and Jordan misses the weight of them immediately.

 

Jordan can see the tired lines across Adam’s face. He sits up properly so he can trace across Adam’s cheek, thrills at Adam pushing into his palm, ‘I’m not going to sleep with Stevie.’ He says and he’s rewarded with a brilliant smile spreading across Adam’s face.

 

Adam slides their hands together, ‘sleep with me then.’

 

‘You don’t have to.’ Jordan mumbles. He doesn’t think Adam is inviting Jordan for hot, rambunctious sex, but he also thinks that maybe if Adam were able to have hot, rambunctious sex right this instant, he might have picked Jordan to do it with.

 

‘You’re six inches too tall for this couch, Jord.’ Adam stands up, their hands still clasped together, gently pulling on him to follow suit. The intimacy in the gesture confuses Jordan, he doesn’t know what he’s following Adam into. He doesn’t think he would mind either way

 

They shuffle silently across the living room, into Adam’s bedroom, Jordan’s hand starting to sweat still clasped in Adam’s. Adam stops when they enter, closing the door behind him and leans against it.

 

Adam waits, looking at Jordan through his lashes.

 

Jordan approaches him slowly, suddenly nervous. Adam lifts his eyes and stares him down straight, guileless. Jordan leans into him, hands on either side of Adam’s head, pressed firmly against the door. Jordan can feel Adam’s breath on his chin as he looks down at him, waiting for permission. Adam’s hands slowly slide across his shoulder and up his neck, thumb resting against his pulse point and Jordan can’t help the slight gasp.

 

‘We need to talk.’ He whispers, but it is obvious he doesn’t want to talk, not right this second. Adam nods and then closes the sliver of air between their lips. Adam’s lips are incredibly soft, softer than they were during their rushed kiss, the inside of his mouth velvety smooth. Jordan is reminded of warm naps under the sun as he drinks in Adam’s moans, the little shifts of lips, the heat of his pent up breath against his cheek.

 

Jordan relaxes against him, slides his hand down the door until he can wrap them around Adam’s waist, Adam’s hands curl around Jordan’s neck and he surges against him, pushes their chests together with a ferocity that Jordan mirrors, he wants that connection just as bad. Jordan slips his finger under Adam’s shirt and sighs against Adam’s lips at the feel of smooth, heated skin under his palm. 

 

Adam is pushing against him, but pulls him back in when he tries to break the kiss. Jordan gets the message, holds Adam firmly to him and walks them backwards until his knees hit the bed. There’s a bit of awkward shuffling and finally Adam pulls off with a low, ‘what?’ Jordan pushes him onto the bed in answer and doesn’t waste time in climbing over him, continuing their kiss. Adam pulls him in with his hands but he also rolls his body so that Jordan ends up right on top, between his legs and Jordan can’t help the contented sigh when his crotch rubs against Adam’s hip.

 

Adam rakes his fingers up through the short hairs on the back of Jordan’s head and Jordan’s body relaxes at the sweet caresses going up and down his scalp, he breaks away from Adam’s lips to gently nip down Adam’s jaw and into the crook of his neck. Adam pushes against his head then, until Jordan is breathing right into Adam’s skin.

 

Adam lets out a long sigh and his body melts under him, Jordan’s following suit, settled comfortably against the rise and fall of Adam’s chest. Adam kisses him on the forehead, peppers a few more thoughtfully.

 

‘I want to suck your cock, Jordan.’ He says as tender as a confession of love and Jordan’s blood pounds in his ears as Adam’s breathing goes slow and deep in slumber.

 

*

Jordan wakes up the next day to gentle scritching across his scalp, all the way down to his shoulder blade.

 

‘Not a cat.’ he mumbles and earns a burst of laughter from somewhere right above his head. He’s a little sticky from where he’s skin to skin with Adam but doesn’t want to move even though he can feel Adam shifting under him. He rolls over to let Adam out. Adam straightens out his pajamas and gets up off the bed, holds a hand out, ‘breakfast? My alarm rang 15 minutes ago.’

 

Jordan gets up on the bed but doesn’t move to take Adam’s hand, ‘thought you were going to- _ you know _ .’

 

Adam breaks out into a mischievous smile, like he knows  _ exactly  _ what Jordan is talking about, ‘going to what?’

 

‘Never mind.’ Jordan mumbles, thoroughly embarrassed but then Adam bends over to peck him quickly across the lips, ‘if there’s time before my train.’

 

Jordan perks up and jumps out of bed, ‘get ready, i’ll make breakfast.’ He pecks Adam two more times before skipping out the door and he hears the shower run not long after.

 

Jordan scrambles eggs, thoroughly distracted by the image of Adam on his knees in front of him. Maybe he’ll do it in the kitchen too and Jordan’s cock perks to life at the thought, getting increasingly hard. He doesn’t notice Stevie sneak behind him and jumps when he grabs him from behind with a ‘boo!’

 

‘What the fuck, mate.’ He says as Stevie guffaws next to him, putting in some bread into the toaster.

 

‘Sorry you were drooling into your eggs, couldn’t help it. The couch treat you right?’ Stevie says but there’s a glint in his eyes, like he knows that Jordan’s good mood couldn’t be due to the couch.

 

‘Yeah, it was-it was fine.’

 

Adam comes in then, freshly showered and his face mirrors Jordan’s disappointment at seeing Stevie there. He stands unnecessarily close while he grabs his breakfast plate from Jordan and sneaks a finger along the back of Jordan’s hand. Jordan’s heart catches at the gesture, at Stevie seeing it. For one moment, he wants to just pull Adam to him and kiss him the way he had last night. Stevie be damned. But Adam is retracting before he can give in to this urge and has already started on his breakfast, leaning against the kitchen counter.

 

‘Train’s in 20 minutes.’ Adam explains as he scarfs down his eggs.

 

‘I can drive you.’ Jordan says and he’s gravitating towards Adam almost unknowingly, Adam looks at him in alarm, steps away so that there’s a more socially acceptable amount of space between them.

 

‘No, no. you’ll be late for work.’

 

Jordan wants to keep arguing but Stevie is looking at them closely, trying his best to keep a neutral expression.

 

When Adam leaves for work it takes everything Jordan has to not kiss him goodbye.

 

‘Hey, after your shift we should go to the docks, just-you know- _ catch up. _ ’ Stevie says and Jordan understands the nostalgia in Stevie’s tone too well. There’s so much bullshit between them now and sometimes Jordan just wants to say  _ fuck it  _ and go back to how they were in college.

 

*

 

Stevie comes in half an hour before Jordan’s shift ends, grabs a drink with Studge. 

 

‘Want some sangria instead, could be a little throwback to Spain?’ Studge asks when Stevie orders a pint.

 

‘I’ll stick to the pint. Fancy cocktails never suited me anyway.’ He says just shy of gritting his teeth and Studge nods, lets Stevie shut him out as he pours them both a pint. Studge is chatty and he’s an expert at creating atmosphere, so he cuts across Stevie’s tension in minutes, engaging him in a lively discussion about music and making fun of Stevie’s commercial yet archaic tastes because he only listens to the top forties but seemingly from the 80s.

 

Jordan envies this especially as they walk towards his car at the end of his shift in awkward silence. He tries not to feel nervous but he’s on edge by how this will play out, him and Stevie on their own. Stevie looks relaxed in the silence and Jordan can relax too because he remembers. He remembers that he and Stevie never really bonded on any shared activity or interest, it was always more of a feeling. It feels right when Stevie is standing next to him, feels fantastic when Stevie rolls down the car window to let the cool evening breeze in, lets the whistle of the wind fill the silence between them.

 

They settle down on a bench overlooking the water, the breeze is kind of strong now and Jordan’s face feels kind of numb but Stevie has tea in a thermos and pours out a cup for them to share.

 

‘I understand why you’re mad,’ he begins.

 

‘Is this an ambush?’

 

Stevie chuckles, ‘kind of, yeah. You’ve gotten good at running away from me.’

 

‘I’m not the one who ran.’ The tea trickles down his throat, slow like molasses and the burning liquid turns ice cold as it reaches inside.

 

‘I fucked up.’ Stevie says

 

It feels like he’s listening to a record on loop, like a gaming soundtrack. He remembers loving it, remembers how energized it used to make him feel, remembers humming along, not wanting him to stop. But now Stevie’s pleading eyes grate against his inside and he can no longer stand it.

 

‘You kissed me. You said you wanted us to be together. Then you left without saying anything. Fucked up doesn’t really cover it.’ Jordan says and it feels good to let the bitterness out, it sits better on his tongue than the fragrant liquid he’s clutching in his hands. Jordan is always taking care of things, smoothing things over and for once it’s nice to step back and point at his own wounds and demand some attention.

 

‘I did.  _ I do.  _ Xabi is-Xabi was like an addiction.’ Stevie says, takes a gulp.

 

‘I don’t care about Xabi. I don’t even know him that well. I have nothing to do with his false promises. You can’t pin this on him.’

 

‘I’m not. It’s my fault.  _ I  _ fucked up. But Jordan, you can’t possibly be telling me you don’t love me anymore.’

 

That makes Jordan pause.

 

Stevie pries the little thermos cup away from him, puts it on a corner of the bench. He curls their fingers together and for a moment Jordan let’s Stevie hold him like that, like he’s making a promise he means to keep.

 

‘We should go home.’ Jordan finally answers and extricates himself from Stevie, doesn’t stop to see if Stevie is following him back to the car.

 

*

 

Jordan can feel Stevie’s nervous staring at the back of his head and he derives some pleasure out of just ignoring him, letting him stew in the fear of never being able to fix things with Jordan. He also gets a sick pleasure from heading straight into Adam’s room as soon as they get home, knowing that Stevie has seen.

 

He needs the privacy because somewhere in the back of his head he knows he’s going to forgive Stevie. But it doesn’t have to be soon, Jordan can’t tell when and that’s a small mercy. He likes hiding out in Adam’s room, likes that his associations with it are now positive, likes that he thinks about Adam when he’s here and not Stevie.

 

The pillow has a faint smell of Adam’s shampoo and the bed is deliciously undone so that he can sink right into it, chase the traces of Adam’s movements across the bed, the twists in the comforter. His stomach does a flip when he thinks about how he’s helped make them.

 

He imagines Adam coming home and finding him here and maybe following through on the comment from last night. But instead of Adam, it’s a knock on the door that rouses him from his nap. There’s one more knock and the door flies open. And behind it Stevie looks angry.

 

‘So, this is your response? That you’ve replaced me with Adam?’

 

Jordan scrambles to get up, so that they’re not fighting in Adam’s room but Stevie blocks his way out.

 

‘C’mon man, say it. At least, have the balls to say it.’

 

‘I haven’t replaced you with Adam.’ Jordan says, slightly annoyed, especially since Stevie’s eyes are unfocused like he’s been drinking.

 

‘Then what are you doing here? What are you doing with him?’

 

Jordan feels embarrassed suddenly, he doesn’t know what he’s doing with Adam. He doesn’t want to make any decisions when Adam isn’t here. But he wants to say  _ something _ , if only to prove to Stevie that he’s not a fucking mess.

 

‘We’re together. It’s  _ new _ . I don’t owe you an explanation.’ Jordan says and he’s finally managed to manhandle Stevie out of the room. 

 

‘When you’re fucking on my bed you do.’

 

Jordan doesn’t want to get angry because he can smell the bourbon in Stevie’s breath but it’s hard not to and he feels the tendrils of rage creep up his neck.

 

The front door opens as they’re in the middle of the living room, locked in a scuffle.

 

‘What’s happening?’ Adam says, looking at them suspiciously. From where he’s standing the reason for their embrace is unclear.

 

Stevie pries out of Jordan’s hold and Jordan can feel the tension in his muscles as Stevie gears up to answer, doesn’t know how to stop the inevitably stupid thing that is going to come out of his mouth.

 

‘You’re all loved up right now so you’re blind to it but you’re  _ nothing _ but my replacement’

 

The words are like a punch to Jordan’s gut. He’s praying that Adam doesn’t believe Stevie even as he frantically shakes his head, ‘he’s drunk.’ Jordan tries to explain. Adam lets his backpack slide to the floor but otherwise he is completely, eerily silent.

 

‘I am.’ Stevie says, ‘but it doesn’t change that you’ve got a thing for roommates, isn’t that right, mate? First me and now you.’

 

Adam approaches them in long, quick strides and Jordan doesn’t register Adam’s wide stanced posture until he’s already thrown the punch, straight to Stevie’s face. Stevie falls into Jordan from the force of it and Jordan holds him back so he can’t retaliate.

 

Adam looks at Jordan, at Stevie and then back to Jordan. He looks like he’s about to cry. Adam stalks off to his room, slamming the door shut behind him. The decisive click sounds like a gunshot through the room.

 

‘God, Stevie. Why do you have to be such an asshole?’ Jordan says, finally letting Stevie go. It is difficult to not follow Adam. To apologize and explain, but he’s not sure where to start or what to start with.

 

‘Me? He punched me!’ 

 

Jordan doesn’t want to argue and instead lifts Stevie’s chin to look at the damage, Jordan can make out the beginnings of a bruise under his eye, ‘I’ll grab you some ice.’ He pulls Stevie and eases him onto the couch as he heads to the kitchen to grab the ice pack.

 

The doorbell rings. 

 

He hands Stevie the ice pack on his way to opening it.

 

It’s Jamie behind the door and his face looks blotchy and puffy like he’s spent the whole day crying.’

 

‘Gary’s left.’

 

The words don’t seem real even though in the back of his head he has an inkling of what Jamie means, ‘on a business trip?’

 

‘ _ Me.  _ Jordan, he’s left me.’

**Author's Note:**

> I realize that real Liverpool fans read this and probably hate the way I write Stevie. I hate the way I write too. I don't know why this monstrosity is continuing but ah well one more chapter to go.
> 
> Hope you guys are having a good holiday season!
> 
> I highly encourage keeping me on track with chapter five by yelling at me on [tumblr](https://manaholic-mongolian.tumblr.com)


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